Answers

By   •   January 12, 2016   •   Topics: , ,

Q:

What can I do about the harsh and hurtful things my husband says to me?


A:

We are sorry to learn of the frustration and pain you have experienced as a result of your husband’s hurtful words. It is distressing to be on the receiving end of very cutting and abrupt comments that wound one’s spirit.

Some people, for reasons known only to themselves, often speak to others in this manner. Sometimes a harsh and insensitive attitude shields a person who himself has been wounded by the remarks of others. In any case, we can understand the problems you are having. Remember that God loves you, and you are important in His sight. He loves you so much that He sent Christ to die for your sins.

As you focus on the fact that God loves you and considers you precious to Him, there will be a real difference in your life. Your sense of self-worth does not need to depend on the opinion of others.

Be sure you do not act toward your husband in the way he acts toward you. It is easy in a situation like yours to do just that. But that does not solve the problem—it only makes it worse. The Bible tells us, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” (Proverbs 15:1). It also says, “A wholesome tongue is a tree of life” (Proverbs 15:4). Affirm and support your loved one in your conversations. Your example may help him to learn to do the same for you. Read also Ephesians 4:29-32.

We would encourage you to find a time when you can speak frankly (and yet lovingly) with your husband. Perhaps he is not even aware you are hurt by the things he says, and although he may not be intentionally hurting you, he needs to be aware of your feelings.

Communication is important in a good marriage, and you and your husband need to learn to share your concerns (as well as your joys) with each other. Read 1 Corinthians, chapter 13, and Ephesians 5:28-29. Many couples have found the counsel of a Gospel-teaching pastor or Christian marriage counselor to be helpful in strengthening relationships and improving communication skills.

We would urge both you and your husband to examine your relationship with Christ. Have you committed your lives to Christ? Are you seeking to follow Him? If not, make that commitment now, and learn the joy of having Christ at the center of your marriage.

When a husband and wife are truly seeking to honor Christ, they will not want to hurt each other—quite the opposite, they will want to encourage each other. As you pray and learn from God’s Word together, God will help both of you become the loving partners He wants you to be.

Let Jesus bring peace to your marriage—and your soul.

 

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254 Comments

  1. Angie says:

    My husband and I have difference
    He acts different at times
    Like am nobody to him
    He treats me without respect call me bad names and it hurts me
    He says he loves me but is hard to believe him since his actions re different and words !!
    Also I think he is cheating saw in two different occasions heckys
    Which he denies and says am crazy I did them
    Which I know I didn’t
    That’s why I need ur help

  2. Sabrena says:

    I am so broken rite now. The harshness seems to only be towards me. His son can do NO wrong. All I ever wanted was a Godly marriage putting each other first. He says it’s jealously, I don’t know. I just want to be loved.

  3. Lawanda Bell says:

    I want God to bring peace in my mind.

  4. Treasure says:

    Thank you for this. I am truly relieved of my long time pains of hurtful words.

  5. carola says:

    Thank you for the comfort you give me… I will try and pray hard for the Good Lord’s blessing… to enable a bitter person who was abused by his mother) feel the love of Jesus everyday.

  6. Calli says:

    My husband came home From the navy in 1985.I could not figure out a way to keep him from taking everything he wanted with his accrued seniority when he returned except deny him the marriage he wanted so he would not disrupt the community, Its now 33 years later and he’s become violent taking everything he felt was due him including his right as a husband declaring that he was the final and only judge and arbitor of what he was allowed in life. Trying to keep the peace of 31 years came to an end that evening. With me hurting after begging him that that evening did not have to be that way, everyone could talk things through.

  7. Jules says:

    Husband has outbursts at me frequently. Yells and screams. Sometimes uses vulgarity. Has evil in his eyes and hate. He says I provoke it and am to blame. I have been to counseling but he won’t go. We’ve been married for 15 years with a beautiful daughter. He makes me so sad. Snaps at everything and doesn’t seem happy. I try and work so hard. We have a good income, nice house, cars, and seem like a “perfect life.” I don’t talk to many about this and need help. Pray to God every day. Nothing changes.

    1. BGEA says:

      Jules, we’re glad you reached out and want to you to know that our team will respond as soon as possible.

    2. Karen says:

      Jules, I am in the same boat. We have so much to be grateful for, 13 year marriage, two beautiful children, good jobs… But our lows are sooo low. I feel attacked on all levels when we argue. He name calls and berates me. He smirks if I try to reason or fight back. The argument ends, he apologizes the next day, and I wait until the next blowup. We had an argument about faith last night, it got very heated… And when we discussed it (calmly) today he claims he doesn’t remember most of it. How can he not remember saying such hurtful words? I am struggling, and praying to find peace. That the Lord will guide me through this.

  8. Melissa says:

    I think women need to walk away from men like this. What happens is they do it once and they get away with it and boom, it becomes the new norm. It is not fair and it should not be tolerated. Men need to learn BOUNDRIES, they need to know that WORDS DO HURT and they cannot just say whatever they want and then ‘apologize’ and everything is fine. These hurtful words and comments do not go away, women hold onto them and in turn they chip away at the relationship. How long will a woman put up with this? All this does is build up resentment and anger in the woman and eventually she walks away. It is inevitable, or else she sticks around miserable, suffering from depression and other aliments due to the stress of her husband.

  9. Teresa Stodolka says:

    Thank you for this post. My husband and i are going through a difficult period in our marriage, i’ll keep praying, one day at a time.

  10. Stephanie says:

    I’m a newly wed and I don’t find it fair to go through something like this my husband puts me down and apologizes later doing the same thing over and over I just don’t know when this will stop. I feel like giving up.