I can understand your heartache; it’s been several years now since Ruth, my wife for almost 64 years, went to be with the Lord. And yet in some ways I miss her even more now than I did when she died.
One reason — especially in your case, since your son’s death was so sudden and unexpected — is that when a loved one dies, we’re almost numb at first. We realize, of course, something terrible has happened, and we may be overwhelmed with grief. But only later does the numbness begin to wear off, and we begin to realize how deep our loss is. Never again will our loved one’s voice be heard; never again will we look up and see them coming into the room.
I’ve found too that as time passes our minds turn away from the immediate fact of their death, and more and more to the memories we have of them. This too prolongs our grief.
My prayer is that you will find your comfort in Christ. God knows what you have been going through, and He loves you and wants to surround you with His peace. If you have never done so, by faith turn to Jesus and ask Him to come into your heart and life today. Then turn your burden of grief over to Him, for His promise is still true: “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted” (Matthew 5:4).