Answers

By   •   June 1, 2004   •   Topics: ,

Q:

What can I do about the harsh and hurtful things my husband says to me?


A:

We are sorry to learn of the frustration and pain you have experienced as a result of your husband’s hurtful words. It is distressing to be on the receiving end of very cutting and abrupt comments that wound one’s spirit.

Some people, for reasons known only to themselves, often speak to others in this manner. Sometimes a harsh and insensitive attitude shields a person who himself has been wounded by the remarks of others. In any case, we can understand the problems you are having. Remember that God loves you, and you are important in His sight. He loves you so much that He sent Christ to die for your sins.

As you focus on the fact that God loves you and considers you precious to Him, there will be a real difference in your life. Your sense of self-worth does not need to depend on the opinion of others.

Be sure you do not act toward your husband in the way he acts toward you. It is easy in a situation like yours to do just that. But that does not solve the problem—it only makes it worse. The Bible tells us, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” (Proverbs 15:1). It also says, “A wholesome tongue is a tree of life” (Proverbs 15:4). Affirm and support your loved one in your conversations. Your example may help him to learn to do the same for you. Read also Ephesians 4:29-32.

We would encourage you to find a time when you can speak frankly (and yet lovingly) with your husband. Perhaps he is not even aware you are hurt by the things he says, and although he may not be intentionally hurting you, he needs to be aware of your feelings.

Communication is important in a good marriage, and you and your husband need to learn to share your concerns (as well as your joys) with each other. Read 1 Corinthians, chapter 13, and Ephesians 5:28-29. Many couples have found the counsel of a gospel-teaching pastor or Christian marriage counselor to be helpful in strengthening relationships and improving communication skills.

We would urge both you and your husband to examine your relationship with Christ. Have you committed your lives to Christ? Are you seeking to follow Him? If not, make that commitment now, and learn the joy of having Christ at the center of your marriage.

When a husband and wife are truly seeking to honor Christ, they will not want to hurt each other—quite the opposite, they will want to encourage each other. As you pray and learn from God’s Word together, God will help both of you become the loving partners He wants you to be.

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41 Comments

  1. dina makhalira says:

    thank u for this encouraging words

  2. Natalie says:

    Thank you for this article. It helped me a lot. I’m a first time mom and our son is only 8 weeks old. My husband and I have been married for only a year. He doesn’t think about things before he says them, and he often says mean, rude and hurtful things to me when he’s upset. For example, whenever anything happens with the baby. Last night I got up with the baby in the middle of the night to feed him, but I barely made any milk. I guess I hadn’t eaten or drank enough the day before. I tried giving him goats milk instead, but he didn’t like it much. My husband told me that it “better not happen again” and that I’d better take care of things and make him stop crying. Every time the baby gets upset, he says harsh things to me like, “You don’t know what you’re doing,” etc. Even when when we were at my in-laws’ house and baby got colicky, his response to all three of us trying to comfort the baby was, “You guys all deal with babies all the time and you can’t comfort him” and “You’d better find a way to make him be quiet”. The othe night he said he wished we never had a child yet so we could still do our own thing. He always says he is sorry later but I have a hard time forgiving because his words hurt so much and he keeps doing it. Just when I need his support most, he’s hurtful and mean. Please pray for me and my marriage.

  3. lesedi says:

    My husband and I are costantly fighting. We have been married for only 6 months now. but each an every time I suggest we do something for ourselves e.g build a house, he just gets mad, and says he wants to stay at his mom s place. His mom doesnt like me, and its really a big problem to me, because each an every time we go home , we end up fighting. I reaaly dont know what to do, I love him and want to make this relationship work but having to compete with his mom on everythng is reaaly hard for me. Plz pray for me.

  4. Latasha says:

    My husband is not a nice person. I have endured physical, emotional, and mental abuse from him even before marriage. I need help in prayer because I am ready to seek divorce. We have been married almost 11 years and it feels like an emotional prison. He wakes up angry, goes to sleep angry. He angers our own 10 year old daughter just to be spiteful. I believe he angers her to get at me. We can do well for a week, maybe two, then he has to say something or deliberately pick a fight. I have endured two affairs, one which brought about an outside child. I have tried my best but that is not good enough. I have no other reason for staying other than financial. Please pray with me for guidance from God on how to deal with this unhappiness. I know God sees and hears my words and my heart. My husband has broken our vows twice, does this justify a divorce? Please help me in prayer.

    1. natalie says:

      i understand you completely, ive only been married to mine for 9 months and already i feel likei want to run away…his emotionally abusive, verbally abusive. we have had a couple of fights……he never admits when he is wrong, he always points the blame on me cos he is the perfect husband and im the wicked witchof the west as he makes everyone belive…..he even went out to see another woman despite knowin i wasnt happy about it and he came home 11pm at night, he is sly and he does lie cos i always catch out the lie. He said to me that i am not a Christian and that really hit the nail on the head because i know my walk with God and he is always judging it, im a born again christian! im an emotional wreck…time bomb waiting to explode.

  5. Junie says:

    I often pray for God to help me with my feelings of utter hopelessness and anger. I have been in an emotionally abusive marriage for almost fifteen years and I am afraid. My husband has isolated me at home by forcing us to move several times, this time to a much more remote area where I do not know anyone. I do not have access to a car. My family has been homeless on more than one occasion because of his excessive spending and he has often stayed away for long lengths at a time and I do not know where he is. I have sought to become independent and get a job or get out of the house more with our two daughters, but he puts barriers in my way. I used to be submissive and accept everything he did but I am struggling to trust him. I react in anger now and I am so upset with myself. I hate what I am becoming and do not know what God expects of me. I feel that God has utterly abandoned me and I do not know how to get out of this mess or know how to have this marriage get healed which is what I want more than anything. I feel that after fifteen years of marriage and these problems only escalating I don’t have any more hope.

  6. Mpho says:

    I have been married for 4 years now and life has never changed. My husband apologizes everyday for the hurtful words he says but there is no change. I am so disrespectful it’s not even funny. I have told God in many occasions that I am going astray. I have learned to be so mean due to the way my husband treats me. I tell his that I am leaving every time and he is sorry. He feels like I am using the word divorce to spite and its not the case. I honestly want to leave him but I feel so bad when he cries. What to do, my marriage is all about arguing I am so tired.

  7. Matthew says:

    Women can do this to men too. I am so over my wife hurting me with her words. She is always telling me how fat I am, how unattractive. She is always making fun of me and teasing me. She will not be intimate with me. She is like a constant bully. I try hard to apply God’s love to her and live that love to her, but it is just so hard. I pray daily that God would take this marriage away from me (although his word says he will not EVER do so). I feel enslaved, I feel in bondage. I feel tortured. I can’t stop googling divorce at work though I know it is a sin. I need my wife to love me…this is making me wish I was not here anymore.

    1. Ashley says:

      Matthew-I’m sorry your wife is mean to you. It sounds like maybe she has some unresolved anger in her heart. Do you have a good Bible-believing church you can attend faithfully in your area? God created the church for us to have a place to be encouraged by one another and bear each other’s burdens. Keep praying for your wife and reading your Bible.

    2. I hope I help says:

      It is not a sin to get a divorce at all. I am going through the same thing and I am a women so I will pray for you and all here. You don’t have to put up with this. God wants you to be Happy not sad and wants someone nice for you. I don’t know how long you been married to her But this is a No No in Gods eyes. Your being abused and anyone who tells you to stay in this marriage when you want out is wrong. Prayer is wonderful but are you praying right? God don’t like divorce BUT God HATES abuse worse. So look up scriptures on God helping you heal from abuse. I will pay for you in Jesus name Amen

  8. AMANDA says:

    MY HUSBAND AND I HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR JUST ONE YEAR, BUT HE SAYS AM GONNA BE A BAD MUM, THAT HE REGRETS MARRYING ME, HE DOES NOT LET ME SEE MY SON FROM PREVIOUS RELATIONSHIP. EACH TIME WE ARGUE HE SAYS HURTFUL THINGS TO ME AND NOW WE ARE DISTANT AND I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE DOING THINGS WITH HIM ANYMORE.

  9. Amy says:

    I am a great encourager. I have encouraged my spouse to get his master’s degree. he almost has it now. only now I have 4 children oldest 8 and I am expecting my 5th in a few months. We have been separated most of my pregnancy. My husband is visiting us this Christmas. I hope he starts to encourage me. I hate marriage but I love my children. and want them to grow up Godly.

  10. Marie says:

    I am a christian. I believe what you have shared. My husband does not believe quite like me, but does believe on God. I need prayer because its been hard dealing with his words day after day, year after year. I to the point that I yell out at him. I have A hard time any more taking the insults and harsh words.

    1. Christine says:

      Marie…. I just want to let you know you are not alone. I am praying for you.

    2. Michelle Harville says:

      I understand you Marie. I myself am struggling as you are, much emotional suffering. Praying and staying in God’s word is always the answer. He provides them in His word. I pray and ask to be as Sarah and Mary and not to give way to fear so that I am there daughters as God says in His word. Sometimes it is just so very hard. I fail at times with this. I try so hard to walk in the spirit of The Lord and the truth for wives in God’s word. My husband also believes but His actions and words can be very harsh insensitive and very angry at times. I pray and The Lord helps me to be gentle, submissive, kind and respectful. But sometimes I fall and walk in the flesh over time and talk back and raise my voice and I don’t want to. Please pray for me as well. Day after day and year after year it does get harder so I truly understand. God’s Grace is sufficient, He has given us power over sin. My Son is very disobedient and disrespectful, my husband is now trying to deal with Him, but needs to be tempered with The Lord’s Spirit in correcting and discipline. I will be praying for you as I truly do empathize and may The Lord bless you, your Husband and family.

    3. Shikha says:

      I have been married from 1.6 years I feel like a slave in this relationship . First of all I’m new to this country so have no friend I only person I have is him and he treats me like a slave he harasses me mentally by not talking to me till days , I feel very alone m hurt, he says very harsh words to me when he shouts on me I m scared of him I don’t feel free with him