By   •   June 1, 2004   •   Topics: ,


What can I do about the harsh and hurtful things my husband says to me?


We are sorry to learn of the frustration and pain you have experienced as a result of your husband’s hurtful words. It is distressing to be on the receiving end of very cutting and abrupt comments that wound one’s spirit.

Some people, for reasons known only to themselves, often speak to others in this manner. Sometimes a harsh and insensitive attitude shields a person who himself has been wounded by the remarks of others. In any case, we can understand the problems you are having. Remember that God loves you, and you are important in His sight. He loves you so much that He sent Christ to die for your sins.

As you focus on the fact that God loves you and considers you precious to Him, there will be a real difference in your life. Your sense of self-worth does not need to depend on the opinion of others.

Be sure you do not act toward your husband in the way he acts toward you. It is easy in a situation like yours to do just that. But that does not solve the problem—it only makes it worse. The Bible tells us, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” (Proverbs 15:1). It also says, “A wholesome tongue is a tree of life” (Proverbs 15:4). Affirm and support your loved one in your conversations. Your example may help him to learn to do the same for you. Read also Ephesians 4:29-32.

We would encourage you to find a time when you can speak frankly (and yet lovingly) with your husband. Perhaps he is not even aware you are hurt by the things he says, and although he may not be intentionally hurting you, he needs to be aware of your feelings.

Communication is important in a good marriage, and you and your husband need to learn to share your concerns (as well as your joys) with each other. Read 1 Corinthians, chapter 13, and Ephesians 5:28-29. Many couples have found the counsel of a Gospel-teaching pastor or Christian marriage counselor to be helpful in strengthening relationships and improving communication skills.

We would urge both you and your husband to examine your relationship with Christ. Have you committed your lives to Christ? Are you seeking to follow Him? If not, make that commitment now, and learn the joy of having Christ at the center of your marriage.

When a husband and wife are truly seeking to honor Christ, they will not want to hurt each other—quite the opposite, they will want to encourage each other. As you pray and learn from God’s Word together, God will help both of you become the loving partners He wants you to be.

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  1. Thelma says:

    My husband does this all the time. I do have income but I have to pay half the mortgage and half the utility bills plus we owe income taxes and that’s split too. Saving to get away is really difficult. I’m stuck.

  2. sharon says:

    I thank God for His love because if it wasn’t for him I would have gone in other directions.

  3. sharon says:

    sorry for some of the misspelled words but I need help, I really do. I’m just in the midst of leaving, I have four children and the harsh treatment is just getting worse and worse. This isn’t going on for years. I’ve tried communicating he doesn’t want to communicate and it is difficult, it is really difficult.

    1. Tiffany Jothen says:

      Sharon, we have passed your comment onto our team so someone can get in touch with you.

      – BGEA staff

    2. Nicole says:

      Hi Tiffany, may I ask what advice did you receive as I am in a similar situation as well.

    3. Tiffany Jothen says:

      Nicole, I’m on staff here at BGEA. We’re happy to help if you’d like to contact us at