By   •   June 1, 2004   •   Topics: ,


What can I do about the harsh and hurtful things my husband says to me?


We are sorry to learn of the frustration and pain you have experienced as a result of your husband’s hurtful words. It is distressing to be on the receiving end of very cutting and abrupt comments that wound one’s spirit.

Some people, for reasons known only to themselves, often speak to others in this manner. Sometimes a harsh and insensitive attitude shields a person who himself has been wounded by the remarks of others. In any case, we can understand the problems you are having. Remember that God loves you, and you are important in His sight. He loves you so much that He sent Christ to die for your sins.

As you focus on the fact that God loves you and considers you precious to Him, there will be a real difference in your life. Your sense of self-worth does not need to depend on the opinion of others.

Be sure you do not act toward your husband in the way he acts toward you. It is easy in a situation like yours to do just that. But that does not solve the problem—it only makes it worse. The Bible tells us, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” (Proverbs 15:1). It also says, “A wholesome tongue is a tree of life” (Proverbs 15:4). Affirm and support your loved one in your conversations. Your example may help him to learn to do the same for you. Read also Ephesians 4:29-32.

We would encourage you to find a time when you can speak frankly (and yet lovingly) with your husband. Perhaps he is not even aware you are hurt by the things he says, and although he may not be intentionally hurting you, he needs to be aware of your feelings.

Communication is important in a good marriage, and you and your husband need to learn to share your concerns (as well as your joys) with each other. Read 1 Corinthians, chapter 13, and Ephesians 5:28-29. Many couples have found the counsel of a Gospel-teaching pastor or Christian marriage counselor to be helpful in strengthening relationships and improving communication skills.

We would urge both you and your husband to examine your relationship with Christ. Have you committed your lives to Christ? Are you seeking to follow Him? If not, make that commitment now, and learn the joy of having Christ at the center of your marriage.

When a husband and wife are truly seeking to honor Christ, they will not want to hurt each other—quite the opposite, they will want to encourage each other. As you pray and learn from God’s Word together, God will help both of you become the loving partners He wants you to be.

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  1. Michele says:

    Married now for 23 in July, we moved away to a new state where we know no one he has and his verbal and emotional abuse has increased since we have been in Texas. He now ignores me by staying on facebook and anime comics. I feel like a piece of meat.

  2. Diane says:

    Thank you for printing that. I am going through the same thing. My husband can become very hurtful, especially about the things I cannot do because of my Parkinsons. If I try to say something his nasty and hurtful remarks increase. I feel very isolated in our marriage. I needed these scriptures today. God bless

  3. Monique says:

    I’m reading this comment and article exactly an half hour after my husband just shouted at me and said hurtful things. I always try to stay calm and count til 100 then try to talk it out. But I mean how many times can you say the same thing over and over its unfair. After the hurtful words then it’s like nothing happened but then im so mad inside I could hurt him. Is this how God has designed marriage to be. He is a very good husband and he is an amazing father. But when a woman is hurt she is very hurt. I keep praying and worshiping and im calm and peaceful but then he breaks my spirit everytime. Please help. I want to give up And just leave him.

  4. B says:

    The verbal abuse can sometimes get worst. Mine did. At first it started out with verbal abuse, escalated into physical abuse. I was verbally abused and physically abused for nine years. Until I got fed up with it when he nearly paralyzed our only son. I forgave him but don’t desire to live with him. Loving him, praying for him at a far distance has been the norm. He is now needing deliverance from demons.

  5. Sandy says:

    I read some stories of women having similar issues and found them very comforting. See, ladies, you have a purpose and your purpose may exceed that of your husbands’ by bringing comfort to those who are hurting. Thank you for taking the time to let others know how you are hurting. It helped me. I also have a problem with tithing. It’s very important to me to tithe at least what I bring into the home. It makes my husband furious because, in his words, “You have put us in such a rut that it’s impossible for us to tithe”. I have experienced God’s miracles when I am obedient to Him even in this area, but now I’m not sure what I should do. Do I go against my husband and tithe anyway? Please give me your opinion.

  6. Joseph J Takacs says:

    Thank You Lord For These Words.

  7. Michaela says:

    These words are exactly what I’ve been feeling and thinking. I love proverbs! Very good scripture there. My husband can be harsh and mentally abusive at times, but it is do to the abuse he recieved from his parents. Some times I feel like his parents owe him and my self for all that I’ve endeared do to their poor parenting. His mom allowed his dad to beat him, force him to fit other kids, and chew chew at age 6. We met 8 years ago and then had a beautiful boy 4 years ago. Our son is such a great blessing, and of course I want more. He doesn’t. He finally turned his life over to god when I met him. I’ve been a child of god and it’s all I know. He is trying and has come a long way. He worships god every day as I do, but he’s still not happy.