By   •   June 1, 2004   •   Topics: ,


What can I do about the harsh and hurtful things my husband says to me?


We are sorry to learn of the frustration and pain you have experienced as a result of your husband’s hurtful words. It is distressing to be on the receiving end of very cutting and abrupt comments that wound one’s spirit.

Some people, for reasons known only to themselves, often speak to others in this manner. Sometimes a harsh and insensitive attitude shields a person who himself has been wounded by the remarks of others. In any case, we can understand the problems you are having. Remember that God loves you, and you are important in His sight. He loves you so much that He sent Christ to die for your sins.

As you focus on the fact that God loves you and considers you precious to Him, there will be a real difference in your life. Your sense of self-worth does not need to depend on the opinion of others.

Be sure you do not act toward your husband in the way he acts toward you. It is easy in a situation like yours to do just that. But that does not solve the problem—it only makes it worse. The Bible tells us, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” (Proverbs 15:1). It also says, “A wholesome tongue is a tree of life” (Proverbs 15:4). Affirm and support your loved one in your conversations. Your example may help him to learn to do the same for you. Read also Ephesians 4:29-32.

We would encourage you to find a time when you can speak frankly (and yet lovingly) with your husband. Perhaps he is not even aware you are hurt by the things he says, and although he may not be intentionally hurting you, he needs to be aware of your feelings.

Communication is important in a good marriage, and you and your husband need to learn to share your concerns (as well as your joys) with each other. Read 1 Corinthians, chapter 13, and Ephesians 5:28-29. Many couples have found the counsel of a Gospel-teaching pastor or Christian marriage counselor to be helpful in strengthening relationships and improving communication skills.

We would urge both you and your husband to examine your relationship with Christ. Have you committed your lives to Christ? Are you seeking to follow Him? If not, make that commitment now, and learn the joy of having Christ at the center of your marriage.

When a husband and wife are truly seeking to honor Christ, they will not want to hurt each other—quite the opposite, they will want to encourage each other. As you pray and learn from God’s Word together, God will help both of you become the loving partners He wants you to be.

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  1. Marigold says:

    Thank you for sharing God’s word and helping me understand what God wants and focusing on that rather than my wants.

  2. cherrieannsolera says:

    that is so true things are very bad with us because
    he want me bye his side 24 hrs he is senting me up a wall and to me he sorry he ever marry me

  3. cecilia says:

    Thank u for you good advice. I believe powerfully in our Lord. I am a child of God and know i must set the example. I will pray and approach this matter in a more loving way. God bless you.

  4. Johanna Ruiz says:

    This words truly hit my heart and spoke to me with exact thoughts I had. I appreciate these words and will follow them because they are just and true. They have changed my way of thinking and feeling.

  5. Trudy says:

    Wow. How many women are struggling in their walk because of a husband who is not focused on God. What wonderful advise from other hurting hearts. Sometimes all I can think of is what a waste of time when we could be so powerful for His kingdom. It is hard for me to see my husband through Christ’s eyes when he is hateful, angry and downright miserable to be around. He never says anything to encourage me and complains all the time. How can he choose to look at the negative of everything if he is a child of God???? He is a completely different person around other people and that is even more hurtful. I know that my God is for me and He is working “all things together” for His good. All I can do is continue my personal journey with Him

  6. AZCAmotherbear3 says:

    I pray every day for my husband and future of our family…in those moments when I am being belittled and lectured and have to sit through his negative forecast of everything, I try with everything that’s in me to be peaceful and know that God is witnessing my pain and his actions. This article and comments will be something I meditate on next time. I am going to return every harsh word with love and an attitude that hus words are nothing compared to God’s, that my heart is too full of God and joy my husband just doesn’t understand and that’s ok.

  7. XYZ says:

    These are really encouraging words. I have been called all names. I go through it everyday. Sometimes I feel, I should stop praying, for giving me this kind of life. But, I know I cant live with loosing faith in him. God and my son are the only ones who give me peace of mind and smile on my face today.

  8. Beatrice says:

    I like these advises, very encouraging

  9. Angel says:

    I. Know what it feels like to be hurt everyday. I have got called all kind of names by my husband almost everyday. I am hurting everyday. Emotionally drain. I love my husband. But seems like he. Does not care about me , specially when his kids are back with us again. Everything goes wrong its my fault. Everything I say is is I am stupid or idiot. I want to save our marriage. But he doesn’t thin he is the problem. He thinks I am the problem. Please! Someone give me an advise of what should I do..

    1. Sandy says:


      Be still.

      Let God fight for you, and sit back and reap his victory. I am going through a rough moment in my marriage… very rough. And I had a bad day yesterday, but joy comes in the morning. Turn to God for your healing, tell him how you feel and what you want, and speak life into your marriage. “the power of life and death are in our tongue”

      You are not the problem… the problem is the lack of God in his life. Pray for him, and read Psalms 128- this is directed to men. HE compares women to vines that give fruit. But for a vine to give fruit, it needs to be able to cling to something…. and that something is our husbands. Pray for your promised land, so that God nourishes it. And seek his counsel everyday, do not worry about your husband, God will work with him in His time.

      I love you sister… Your comment really touched my heart. God is works everything for good, and he has prosperous plans and a future for us (jeremiah 29:11)

  10. Jean says:

    It was helpful