Answers

By   •   January 29, 2014   •   Topics: , ,

Q:

My fiance and I got engaged several months ago, but I've discovered he gets upset when he doesn't get his way. Sometimes he's even gotten very angry and fairly violent, although he always apologizes and says it won't happen again. Should I be concerned?


A:

Yes, you definitely should be concerned about this. After all, if your fiancé can’t control his temper now, what reason do you have for thinking he’ll be able to control it once you’re married?

However, it isn’t just a question of being able to control his temper (although that’s very serious, as anyone caught in an abusive marriage could tell you). From what you say, he always wants his own way, and that doesn’t hold much promise for a happy marriage. In other words, instead of taking your feelings and desires into account, he’s only concerned about himself and his desires.

But that kind of self-centered, ‘me-first’ attitude is the opposite of true love. True love puts the other person first, and seeks to be sensitive to their needs and desires. This is the kind of love Christ has for us, and it’s the kind of love He wants us to have for others. The Bible says, “Love is patient, love is kind…. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered” (1 Corinthians 13:4-5).

The most important advice I can give you, however, is to seek God’s will for your future. Put your life into Christ’s hands, and then trust Him to guide you and help you make right decisions. If it’s His will for you to marry (as it probably is), then trust Him to lead you to the man He has chosen for you, one who will love you and be your spiritual partner throughout life.

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24 Comments

  1. Roberta says:

    AMEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  2. Donna Sasser says:

    I agree totally that this behavior is of great concern. I have lived in a abusive marriage thinking that I could change the person once we were married. Not so! Only Christ can change a persons heart. I can promise you this is not the kind of marriage you want to be in. Marriage is suppose to be a representation of Christ and the Church. Christ gave His Life for Us. You fiancé should be willing to give his life for you. That is not having it “my way” nor” self centered” in anyway. I think the advice given to seek God’s will for your future is absolutely correct. Marriage is a vow that is to be made for life and the choice we make doesn’t just effect us. Most likely their will be children and it will also effect them. God always wants the best for us and He wants marriage to represent the love that Christ has for the church. That is a love that is unconditional that denies self and seeks the best interest of others.

  3. Birtukan Jibril says:

    Amen!!!!! It’s true, thank you for all man of God.

  4. Augustine says:

    Dr.Graham, thanks for Kingdom support onto the world and thanks for living a meaningful life that influences others.

  5. Sukhui says:

    Some people after married wants to contol partners and show bad temple not before married. If anyone has bad temple before married, you have to think about how long that marrige is going to be last. Be wise!

  6. Dennis says:

    Wonderful advise keep doing Gods work

  7. Sussy says:

    As I read this question about whether she should get marry or not, and what is going on I see a “red flag” lifted up. Do not make the same mistake I made. I saw differences in my ex-husband that raised “red flags” (which they are warnings!) and I ignored them trying to be understanding. In fact a relationship should be based on God’s love, bonding together, working things out. A relationship that begins with selfish burst outs of anger I call it “childish tantrums”, this person is not ready for marriage yet. He is too immature and will hurt you greatly. I would say to you do not get marry, break the engagement and keep a distance. Let God work things out for you. The apologetic behavior is a cover up of what he is doing to you. Be assure he is not going to change. He will continue doing it unless there is a true conviction and repentance-surrender to God.

  8. Shay says:

    If you are questioning his actions and writing in to BGEA then you already know God is telling you to stop, wait, this is not the time this is not the man (@ least not in his present state) he could change but ONLY IF HE ALLOWS GOD TO CHANGE HIM, you cant change him especially if you are married. If you really love him talk to him tell him how you feel suggest you go to premarriage christian counseling God will show if it is worth pursueing remember God is already showing you the problem the question is are you paying attention

  9. Jasmine says:

    I was in a relationship like that for a long time. I would and did do anything for my x, and he did not return the kindness. In fact, he treated me worse and worse, and hurt and betrayed me in every way imaginable. And he called me selfish and disloyal every time I spoke up against something he wanted or how he was treating me. I was not the selfish one. I gave him way too many chances and he crushed my heart every time. I finally left thank God. And me leaving was not selfish; I had to save myself. God helped me get out and stay out and has saved me more than I could ever count.

  10. maureen.watson5@bigpond.com says:

    Seek God first. The abuse will NOT end just because you want it to. This man will NEVER change unless he understands the damage he does to others, including you. Which means he has to seek God himself, he may not like what God shows him. You can support him if he wants to see this otherwise let him go and he has to risk losing you. His behaviour is the opposite of the love he purports to have by his commitment to you. God is already committed to you but does not abuse you. The man you love is still just a man and vulnerable like the rest of us. There are two red flags. If you were disregarded when young and or if current life is very stressful and he is being put down in a work environment or other. He has to realise his behaviour is that of a child not getting his own way, – it sounds like he is not ready for marriage. If he is genuine he will be humble enough to understand the home and you are things he is to protect. If you both do not deal with this now in Christian context or any context. It does and will roll into intimate abuse, In fact it is already starting – He needs to recognise he has a problem otherwise why would he have to keep apologising!. This is wrong, this is not fair, and will and does lead to tragedy in the end. If he loves you- he needs to pray with you for you both, so that all your past life does not hurt the love you have for each other now. Also in Corinthians you will see what love is – and isn’t. This is not an intellectual thing or of knowing the ‘right’ thing to do. Marriage is you must hold each other’s hearts, this is true protection of the other and can only be done by asking God into your heart daily, him too. Both of you seek God, for each other and forever. You will never regret it.