Answers

By   •   June 1, 2004   •   Topics: ,

Q:

What can I do about the harsh and hurtful things my husband says to me?


A:

We are sorry to learn of the frustration and pain you have experienced as a result of your husband’s hurtful words. It is distressing to be on the receiving end of very cutting and abrupt comments that wound one’s spirit.

Some people, for reasons known only to themselves, often speak to others in this manner. Sometimes a harsh and insensitive attitude shields a person who himself has been wounded by the remarks of others. In any case, we can understand the problems you are having. Remember that God loves you, and you are important in His sight. He loves you so much that He sent Christ to die for your sins.

As you focus on the fact that God loves you and considers you precious to Him, there will be a real difference in your life. Your sense of self-worth does not need to depend on the opinion of others.

Be sure you do not act toward your husband in the way he acts toward you. It is easy in a situation like yours to do just that. But that does not solve the problem—it only makes it worse. The Bible tells us, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” (Proverbs 15:1). It also says, “A wholesome tongue is a tree of life” (Proverbs 15:4). Affirm and support your loved one in your conversations. Your example may help him to learn to do the same for you. Read also Ephesians 4:29-32.

We would encourage you to find a time when you can speak frankly (and yet lovingly) with your husband. Perhaps he is not even aware you are hurt by the things he says, and although he may not be intentionally hurting you, he needs to be aware of your feelings.

Communication is important in a good marriage, and you and your husband need to learn to share your concerns (as well as your joys) with each other. Read 1 Corinthians, chapter 13, and Ephesians 5:28-29. Many couples have found the counsel of a gospel-teaching pastor or Christian marriage counselor to be helpful in strengthening relationships and improving communication skills.

We would urge both you and your husband to examine your relationship with Christ. Have you committed your lives to Christ? Are you seeking to follow Him? If not, make that commitment now, and learn the joy of having Christ at the center of your marriage.

When a husband and wife are truly seeking to honor Christ, they will not want to hurt each other—quite the opposite, they will want to encourage each other. As you pray and learn from God’s Word together, God will help both of you become the loving partners He wants you to be.

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69 Comments

  1. Cheryl Burchfield says:

    Great advice.

  2. Elizabeth says:

    I believe GOD can amd WILL help us all get thru this we just have to be patient! Real patient!! God bless you all!
    Please pray!!

  3. Hurting wife says:

    I have been married to my husband for over 20 years and we have 2 beautiful kids but I can not continue my marriage with my husband because he continues to disrespect and yell at me and in front of anyone!. It doesn’t matter who is in front of us, he would say whatever he feels. Calling me hurtful names in front of my kids and loud enough that my neighbors can hear. I have to say his temper and disrespect has been displayed while we were dating and maybe I should have seen the writing on the wall but now it is too late because we have kids. My husband was raised primarily by his mother but she has been married multiple times. I do know the arguments our kids hear and witness is very damaging and I pray that God protects them.

  4. candy says:

    My boyfriend of 7 years treats me awful says the worst kind of words u could only imagine ..I pray that God would intervene but I see no results I truly love him but at the point that love is not cutting it I’m feeling stuck scared fear of being alone ..I didn’t realize do many woman go thru this I just want to be respected and to feel like a person sgain

  5. ONILEDE COMFORT says:

    Nice courage. May God see us through

  6. daughteroftheking says:

    My husband also says hurtful, mean things to me. We have been to marriage counselors separately and together but no change in him. He is controlling too and demanding. He says has a relationship with God but I don’t really know. I have been praying for the Lord’s will to be done….I am ready to separate. Please pray.

    1. Marie Matters says:

      Daughteroftheking, this is EXACTLY how I feel. I will pray for you and am also asking for prayer. I’m sorry we have this in common.

  7. KHATUNA BUZZELL says:

    Lord Jesus Christ we all are very weak ! we need your help please!

  8. laura says:

    I am experiencing difficulty in my 14 year marriage and need prayer and healing.

  9. Trudy kay says:

    My sister’s in Jesus…I’m in the same boat with all of you but there is GREAT NEWS …..JESUS IS WITH US ALL….HE WILL GUARD YOU AND PROTECT YOU . WE ARE DAUGHTERS OF A KING…and the reason these men are so hateful is because they are far from JESUS…REMEMBER JESUS IS WITH US ALL…HIS WORD says. ..No weapon formed against you shall prosper… Hold onto JESUS Satan hates that name because it IS THE POWER OF GOD to ALL WHO BELIEVE ON HIS NAME. May the LORD bless all of you and strengthen you and I REBUKE Satan from your relationships in JESUS MIGHTY NAME. ..JESUS IS COMING SOON…HOLD ON MY SISTERS HE LOVES YOU AND ADORES YOU HOLD YOUR HEADS HIGH..

  10. Molly says:

    I came to this site because I am experiencing some of the same things you all are experiencing….I was looking for advise…as I read over these posts I realized something….Most of you feel HOPELESS…like there is nowhere to turn. That is exactly what the DEVIL wants us all to feel…HOPELESS!! So hopeless in fact that he would love for us to turn to other things or other people or even worse end our lives. We have a heavenly Father that can heal our wounds…He will give us HOPE!!! We all need to turn to Him with these issues. He knows what the outcome will be…He knows everything about us. So instead of letting the devil defeat us let us all say, “get the behind me, Satan” and ask God to fill our hearts with joy instead of pain

    1. Monica Strong says:

      Thank you Molly, I needed to hear that.

    2. Josefina says:

      Thank you!! You are so right if satan can get you to not trust God than he is accomplishing what he wants. May we fully surrender to God and fully trust in him.